By: Kristy Lee Hochenberger
An Open Letter to Female Narcissists and Manipulators
Dear Female Narcissists and Manipulators,
I am the woman who will come after you. Make no mistake. I am
not your runner-up or the consolation prize. I am in a league all my own–not
your pinch hitter or relief pitcher. I'm not holding your spot in line. I may
not have created this path of destruction, but I am, however, the woman who
will have to help clean up the mess. You most likely left a good person; after
all, why would they have stayed so long and tried so hard to make your
“relationship” work?
Look, I get it. The end of a relationship is never easy. Whether
you have been with someone six months or sixteen years, ending a relationship
is painful and unsettling. I have been through many relationships and
experienced heartbreak. Although narcissists such as yourself cannot feel true
love, you may be feeling pain and confusion.
This isn’t grief you are feeling at losing a good person. What
you are feeling is anger at such a horrible inconvenience. Your personal
sideline cheerleader, purse-holder, coat-fetcher, scapegoat, punching bag,
house cleaner, babysitter, nanny, chef, bill payer, bank account, ego booster,
valet service, or other-service-provider is now gone. You aren’t losing a best
friend, partner, or lover: you are losing a supply of service. Don’t confuse
your demanded entitlement for feelings of love for another.
The man you abused? He served a purpose for you.
And yes, I use the word “abused.” Society tends to forget that
men can be abused just as easily and frequently as women. Women can be abusers,
and men can be victims. You may have professed to love this man, but really you
were using him.
You probably got to check off all the boxes on society’s to-do
list: girlfriend, fiancé, wife, mother, but this may not have fulfilled you.
So, you took your self-hatred and bottom-of-the-barrel self-esteem out on him
through name-calling and projection.
Narcissists and manipulators are just overgrown, schoolyard
bullies. They feel bad about themselves, so they attack other people. But
unlike immature children, grown-up bullies hide their cruelness behind a shiny
veneer that other people fall for. The inhumanity of a narcissist is covered by
talent and lies. Who would believe this mild-mannered, smiling, doting mother
would also be the one screaming at her husband (behind closed doors, of course)
that he was a horrible father and poor excuse for a human?
I am the woman who will come after you. I will be the one
dealing with the repercussions of the legal paperwork, custody disputes, and
money wrangling. I will be the one watching and standing helplessly by as your
constant attacks tear down this man who struggled to build his life up from
scratch. I will be the one who will try every day to convince him that there
really is love and goodness in this world, that I don’t want anything from him,
and that I am not going to pull the rug out from under him.
Your purpose was destruction; mine is growth and healing.
Unfortunately, the path to healing runs parallel to and often intersects with
trauma. It's going to take a long time, but luckily, my stubbornness is
tempered with understanding.
I know I am also going to have to deal with your manipulation.
You probably have my phone number saved, my email address in your outbox, my
social media profile cued up to stalk every single day. Once your attacks wear
my man down, you will turn your vitriol onto me; I’m expecting it. You will
take messages out of context; you will attempt to seduce him; you will use the
children as weapons or pawns to turn me into the villain of the story.
Eventually, people will see that the true villain is you.
Chances are you are an excellent actress. You can easily switch
between demon and angel, good cop and bad cop, Jekyll and Hyde. Your masks are
interchangeable and so quick to fool others, your ex included. This confuses
your ex-partner, and you capitalize on that. Making empty promises to “work
together for the kids” or claiming you will change for the better (with your
fingers crossed behind your back) reminding him of the woman he fell in love
with. All that does is make him vulnerable for feeding into your unrelenting
cycle of destruction.
You don’t love him; you love the joy that comes from his pain
and how you benefit from it. But, unfortunately, you probably have everyone
else fooled, too. People probably believe that he was the one cheating, he was
the one screaming at you, he was the one making your life a living hell.
Crocodile tears are beneficial when creating a narrative of the wronged,
long-suffering wife; who would believe you were the one doling out the insults
and projecting your self-hatred onto him?
I am the woman who is everything you cannot be, and so I know
you will try and break me, too. So please, save us all some time and find a new
supplier who will fill all those needy spots your ex once did.
Cash in your chips. Call it a loss. Walk away from the table
when your hand comes up as losing. Then, go ahead and weave a sad story that
makes you the damsel in distress and not the bitter queen; you will find
someone else to believe you and fall under your spell.
I am the woman who will come after you. I am the woman that
will cause the man you broke to forget you. I am the woman who will enjoy the
man when he wakes up as the person he was always meant to be, and you attempted
to ruin. One day, you will fade from his memory. I might not stay with him
forever, or I may be his great love; either way, I was the one who ripped off
your mask.
Sincerely,
The Woman After You
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| Jane Crow is REAL!!!! |
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